i saw the tv glow and trying to make a change

there is still time

Maybe two weeks ago, I finally got a chance to go to the theater and see Jane Schoenbrun’s new film, “I Saw The TV Glow.”

I had just been through my weird pseudo breakup, and a few days prior I went on my first rebound date (which was underwhelming to say the least) and had one of the toughest nights of my life. So as a treat, and in an attempt to find some form of normalcy, I decided to treat myself to a movie after work.

The film was one of my most anticipated releases for this year and did not disappoint. It has some incredible performances, breath taking visuals, and a killer soundtrack. It’s a beautiful, heart wrenching story about identity and living as your true self while feeling stuck and when it was over it left me with this incredible sense of dread.

As soon as the credits began to roll I got up to leave, my mind reeling as I walked to my car alone. It wasn’t until I got inside and prepared to head home the pit in my stomach began to move and I felt a tightness in my chest.

Thinking about my life as it is. About graduating college and working a job I hated. About any forward momentum I worked toward last year being thrown out the window when life became about taking care of my family. About how I thought the last few months things were coming together for me and then in the span of two weeks my internship ended and I was dumped and I somehow found myself back at square one. Working somewhere as a means to an end, spending my days doing nothing and spending my nights at work and realizing that time is still moving.

These thoughts raced as a thought about what I’d just watched. How I saw myself in Owen, in the scene of everyone singing happy birthday at a nothing job and how he realizes he’s dying. How he cuts himself open and is able to breathe a sigh of relief for just a second as he discovers the pink opaque is in a way still apart of him.

In that moment, I became viscerally aware of my life passing me by. I was rotting away. I am rotting away. I can’t say I’ve been myself since. So much so that even though it’s been a few weeks since I watched the film I haven’t really stopped thinking about it since. Because I know there’s still time. But there’s apart of me that’s terrified I’ll keep wasting it.

I’ve always been a dreamer. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been fantasizing about what my adult life would be since I can remember. But I feel so lost and directionless recently. Caregiving is making it hard for me to feel like a person at times, and capitalism is only exacerbating the issue. Every job I work feels like I’m moving further and further away from what I actually want to do.

So what do you do when you realize you’re incredibly unhappy with your life? If I’m entirely honest, I don’t know. But I hoped maybe this could be a start.

I always say I want to create more, want to get out more, want to read more, want to experience more, but it’s always something I’m procrastinating and putting off in some way. Always something I plan to do when things are exactly the way I want them to be. “When I move I’ll do this thing.” “When this passes I’ll tackle that thing.” So maybe I’ll start by making less excuses. Like forcing myself to finally write these feelings out instead of trying to ignore them.

I’m hoping that now I have an opportunity to do better, to feel better. After all, there is still time.